Listen, listen. It’s a weird selection process that we have. Watch Louis C.K.
Nice meeting you. shit. Heart disease. I don’t know how long I’m gonna live. Where else are you gonna get that deal? Every time a whole race of people has been enslaved, it’s a terrible, horrible thing, of course… But maybe… Maybe every incredible human achievement in history was done with slaves. They just show up With a big adam’s apple and a smelly t-shirt.
Burn everybody over 45. “rats.” That’s a pretty accurate description of my asshole. Prime members enjoy FREE Delivery and exclusive access to music, movies, TV shows, original audio series, and Kindle books.
A second. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married, And then get divorced because that’s the best part. If you’re a guy, try to imagine that you could only date a half-bear, half-lion, And you’re like, “I hope this one’s nice. This is not a fun kind of a 17-year-old to be. Like, of course children who have nut allergies need to be protected, of course. That’s like going to a cancer ward– “not me!
He’s worthless. I just–“” I was walking in New York once, and there’s these two very cute women walking behind me, and I was trying to walk slowly so I could hear what they were saying to each other, you know, ’cause they were cute, so I wanted to hear them, like that’s gonna help me in any way, to hear their– “don’t you wish the guy walking in front of us would squeeze our tits for, like, one second?” OK.
I told you three strokes ago that this is not smart,” But women still– “yeah. I’d like to think that I’m a nice person, But I don’t know, man. Let’s get your tits out of here!”. Like, all fountain sculptors are pedophiles, basically.
“You have zero value on the sexual marketplace. OK. That’s about 60 people out of 2,400. Top subscription boxes – right to your door, © 1996-2020, Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. Not grown-up women, don’t usually– You don’t see, like, a 68-year-old woman, Like, a stately look– You know, like Sigourney weaver, Like, sucking milk out of a young woman’s tit. “it’s so cute! People just kind of walk in the middle of the road. Some women fuck down because a guy talked them into that it was up. I don’t get it! There’s a lot of, you know, just stains, Just like, you know, food and me and whatever… And so I’m sitting there. You get to be here. “well, yes. It means that even if they’re wrong, Their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have. “I’d rather just have air down here like I have Than to look down at that shit.” I see these two all the time, and I always look at them, And I always think, “god, I hope she dies first.” I do. I just–“” Like they’re, you know, cakes in windows. Everybody has their time.
“I like your mom’s dirty whore tit, And I like yours,” And if it’s up to the guy, we’re gonna touch both tits. You really have a choice. That’s what I’m saying happened to the 55-year-old. We’re the number-one threat to women. “My Daughter Likes Fish” I think human life expectancy is pretty good.
Here. Everything’s better. “That’s adorable! “don’t worry. You can’t get a fountain made without– “can you make me a fountain?” “yes, I’ll get started right away! I don’t necessarily agree with you, but I appreciate very much. “Divorce” “Aww.” Well, go fuck one. That’s where human greatness comes from, is that we’re shitty people, that we fuck others over. The dog just keeps bumping on the drain. There’s no dense, historic classic That ends with a weird, porny paragraph at the very– “and then Anna Karenina shat on his chest.” “holy moly with that!” “the end.” “my god! When you’re driving, That’s when you need to be the most compassionate And responsible of any other time in your life ’cause you are fucking driving a weapon amongst weapons, and yet it’s the worst people get, and I am the worst. How do you know I’m not gonna do that? Our president wept like an insane person And then got on a helicopter and flew away… And the whole nation just watched him go. I think so, too.
Life is very short. “I mean, not even a hooker? They had this big dance. You’re in the food– we are out of the food chain.
OK. Back to this.” Nobody’s watching your kids’ videos on Facebook, I promise you. There’s, like, a pretty courtyard With flowers and a fountain with little marble boys pissing.
I’ll prove it to you. I don’t know. There’s something that happens in a date that I never get to witness ’cause women do this. He playfully criticizes societal faults while prostrating himself with embarrassing thoughts and allegories that reflect said society, and are endearingly human.
Even if I have a terrible day in the future Where my grandmother is murdered by my other grandmother, If that ever happened to me, the worst part of that day Will be when I put on my socks because– Putting on my socks, that means I have to– Here’s what I have to do. Of course not. Of course not. “You’re gonna be– “you’re gonna be the branch that she can grab “before she hits the ground. “It’s gonna be so great. “I hope you die!” I said that to a person. It’s OK,” And the look on his face– mwah mwah! Thank you.
One tit.” That’s rare, to touch one tit. “I hope you die!” Why? I’ve been divorced for five years, And it’s been the best part of my life, being divorced, Easily my favorite part of my life. Globally and historically, we’re the number-one cause of injury and mayhem to women. It gets better. They don’t have to do anything. The materials archived, stored, and presented here, are copyrighted by their respective contributors, and may not be saved, re-transmitted, republished, or reformatted by any means, electronic or mechanical. That comes with. I hope he doesn’t do what he’s going to do.”. I’ll be sitting watching TV or doing nothing, And all of a sudden, I’ll realize, “I need to wipe my ass right now.” “I mean, nothing happened, But I really gotta wipe my ass right now. There’s no end to what you can do when you don’t give a fuck about particular people. Num num!– It was just so– It was this beautiful cocktail of anger and confusion. I’m 45 now, So I’m either halfway through a healthy life or almost done with a not-so-healthy life. If you have a life, that’s an ama– Here’s your boilerplate deal with life.
We’re the only ones that get to just die old in a bed, Just “I love you. That’s all it takes. Shut up. MICHAEL MCINTYRE: SHOWMAN (2020) – TRANSCRIPT, RNC 2020 & KENOSHA: LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER – TRANSCRIPT, BORDER WALL II: LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER – TRANSCRIPT, ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS (2020) – TRANSCRIPT, THE DEVIL ALL THE TIME (2020) – TRANSCRIPT, DUNE IS SLOW GOING BUT APT TO STICK IN THE MIND, INTERVIEW WITH DAVID LYNCH, DIRECTOR OF “DUNE”, DAVID LYNCH: DUNE (1984) – REVIEW BY PAULINE KAEL, JOHN MULANEY: KID GORGEOUS AT RADIO CITY (2018) – FULL TRANSCRIPT, JOHN MULANEY: THE COMEBACK KID (2015) – FULL TRANSCRIPT, JOHN MULANEY: NEW IN TOWN (2012) – FULL TRANSCRIPT, KEVIN HART: SERIOUSLY FUNNY (2010) – FULL TRANSCRIPT, Michelle Wolf: Joke Show (2019) – Full Transcript, DAVE CHAPPELLE: STICKS & STONES (2019) – FULL TRANSCRIPT, ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD (2019) – SCRIPT. Rrgh…” Whatever, just like a blind dick in space just thrusting in infinite directions Hoping to find pay dirt at someplace, And then sometimes you see a date that’s later down the line and something has happened. “When real shit matters, you’re gonna be the sexiest motherfucker in the world.” It’s just time. I mean, not everybody. All right. You guys were great. I don’t think they need to be separate things. He got a hand job at a fair… From a miner. “why did he die, da–” Come on. But 45, you know, you’re not old yet, But you start having moments Where you kind of start getting what old is, Especially if you didn’t take care of yourself, you know?
So you put it in the toilet, floats to the bottom, Like, “yeah, he’s dead,” And then you flush, and it looks like he goes, “wait a second! “beep, beep, beep!” And I have to, like, lay on my back like an eight-year-old And go like this, and I start passing out. I am gonna eat the kid, and you circle back.” That’s why they do it like that. : Oh My God Video Clips & Extras, Louis CK - It Gets Better And Skinny Guys - Oh My God. I don’t know if we fully appreciate the fact That we got out of the food chain. You didn’t listen to me!” Just–pbbt! Well, this is a nice place. Please, come on, come on. He’s had some experience. If I die now, people will be like, “that’s too bad.” If I die five years from now, they’ll be like, “well, all right,” like it’s not even– It’s– Like, as soon as you’re 50, you’re a candidate. If you’re older, you’re smarter. Even today, how do we have this amazing microtechnology? I don’t know. When I was growing up, I had no money.